Do you feel like you have to control how you act and respond to others , to uphold a certain reputation / impression?
I've always felt that people around me would scrutinize my every move. Being aware of that, I became very conscious of how I act in front of people, especially those who I do not know too well. I feel very restricted in a way, which probably is the reason why I've been so upset ever since I came to Uni.
Previously I thought that it was because of the people and environment in uni that upsets me, but then again I don't think it's that simple. Somehow it's not like I am consciously controlling my actions, it's more like acting less like myself. I didn't even notice it until I hung out with my close friends and that was when I could actually notice the difference.
I'm usually a very expressive person, I can't stand it when I don't speak my mind. But for some reason, I'm not doing that in uni. I have something at the tip of my tongue, and yet I did not mutter a word.
To be honest, I have no idea what kind of reputation I am trying to build. Perhaps I'm just trying not to leave a bad impression to others in general. But this is so tiring and I'm so fed up. After giving it some thought, I don't think there's any reason to change or restrict myself just so that it 'fits people's judgement'. I don't want to be like the people I detest - fake.
Come to think of it, I never once gave any thought of what would people think of me back in high school. Maybe it's because I had my friends around me, and I was really comfortable with them. I miss them, meeting up with them somehow gives me the 'breath of life'.
The unhappiest people in this world, are those who care the most about what other people think.
This phrase caught my attention. so now I guess I'm done holding myself back. I came here to find like-minded people, but if they can't accept my ways, I have no reason to entertain those thoughts either.